I have been thinking about our reluctance to share negative feelings or sometimes, even acknowledge they exist. Also, so many of us feel we need to keep these feelings in, because otherwise, we are being self absorbed or self-centered.
Well, how about thinking of it as not being self centered, but being “self caring”. Don’t feel that you are feeling sorry for yourself. A friend I have recently met, with a chronic illness herself, expresses this as “entitlement to grief”. I love that, because they are our feelings, and even ones that are born of sadness and grief, we are entitled to them. It is important to feel these emotions. Feelings of anger, hurt, fear, frustration, and even just simply sadness, get buried deep within us, because we feel they are inappropriate to talk about or share with others. This issue comes up from time to time at our support group here, as well as at an online MS support group I facilitate.
Well, I can tell you from experience, and have been told by others far wiser than I, that the feelings you keep inside and never deal with, or even acknowledge, are the feelings that will end up causing you and others more trouble than you can imagine.
Now I’m not saying every negative thing we think or feel can be validated. I’m just saying that these feelings can’t be kept inside. You have to bring them out, really examine them from all angles and deal with them as needed. Work through them, discard the ones that are a waste of energy to harbour, and then really feel the ones that are born of real issues and problems that aren’t going to go away. Understand the way you feel, the reason you feel that way, and if at the end of the day, these are real legitimate feelings that can’t be dismissed, understand there is a place in your heart and soul for them. But don’t just leave them there, unattended, to fester and take over. Share them, vent, and get them out in the open. That is the only way to keep your spirit healthy. It would be naive to think we can cope with everything in our lives, adding a chronic illness like MS to the mix, and not be legitimately “down” and angry, from time to time, about the heavy load we carry.
Quite often it seems that unless people have experienced the challenges you face, that they can’t really understand, and sometimes that is true. It’s not their fault in any way. It’s just the way it can be. That is why support groups are so effective. Everyone there can relate to having the same feelings at one time or another. Everyone there wants to hear about your fears, your problems, because maybe they can help, and they probably share those very same thoughts! Talking with people who experience the same things can be great, because, other than the fact that misery loves company, just maybe they can offer suggestions on how to fix the wrong or if not fix it, offer ways to cope. And, there’s a very good chance that if you share with someone now, down the road, someone else will need a shoulder, and you’ll be there with yours.
So, I guess what I am saying, at great length, is to “own” your feelings. Bring them out, don’t bury them. Cry when you need to. Mourn your losses as freely as you celebrate your accomplishments.
I used to think that the person who let their problems rise to the surface, was the person who would let these things get the better of them. Again, a very wise professional in the field told me it is exactly the opposite. Only by acknowledging and really feeling what is inside, can you understand and make room for these very real and legitimate feelings that are a part of you. Feelings you have to learn to live with. Only when you do that, can you find a place inside for them, where they can be a part of you, without overshadowing the great feelings you are also entitled to. The positive and happy feelings, that make life so worth living!
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